I was laying in my bed tonight after a big fight with my family and I was really struggling with the whole situation. I was in tears but was rationalizing what had happened and working it through. I decided to turn the radio on and this song was playing. Instead of calming me down I started to cry so hard that I couldn’t breathe. But by the end of the song I was completely calm, the crying had stopped and I had figured out what had made me so upset with the whole situation to begin with, which I want able to do on my own before that. I also knew that I needed to ask for prayer, something I haven’t done in a very long time. But I just have this feeling that even though things are difficult now and probably will be for a while, God will be working in me to change the people I care about most. Thank you. I know it’s probably just a playlist right now but I don’t think my timing could have been better.
I stepped outside to have a smoke and as always I see that presence of God in the sky as I’m his blood a tone of red. I’m feeling very weak and as if I’m going to pass out this song is playing when I come back in the apartment. It’s Father Perkl voice the priest that appeared as my father, the song is saying “why are you striving to earn grace”. A series of events have happened. One Memorial week a few years back I attended a childrens musical at my church and cried my eyes out at it. I felt uneasy about it because I don’t like sobbing so much in church. I know it had to do with mourning for my father who died in a tragic car accident that hit a tree. I’ve tried suicide in the past and awhile back I decided I needed to confess this and even that day Father Perkl appeared as my father, I had a flashback of waiting for my father to pick me up in front of my house, my mother said she sent me out to the street to wait for him with a suitcase for some reason I don’t think he showed up that day. But as I was waiting in the Chapel and wondering if the priest was going to show up I said to somebody is he coming and about a few minutes later Father Perkl showed up. I started crying because yes my father made it. I kept dismissing these things because I was confused with what was happening inside me. There was a Mass that he was giving that it was like he was playing a instrumental lullaby for me and healed my pulled muscle in my neck and arm. After all of this appearing as my father and I feeling like his child things switched and I feel in love with him. One confession he said “he didn’t want me to hurt myself and I felt the love that he cared for me and saw it in his eyes. Only he didn’t know for quite awhile my life had taken on a miraculous change and a long time ago I had decided no man would affect my life as they have in the past, meaning I had been in many bad relationships and my relationships with men ended over 16 years ago. And I was having a real tough time with falling in love with this priest and actually he Father Perkl left my parish July 1st and I did try to contact him but he insisted I talk with the priest at my church. I cried for like 4 weeks I think and did alot of praying and attended Mass. The song says “don’t turn away” one night I was in adoration, I had been wanting to talk to him for awhile, and I looked off into the bigger church off of the Chapel and thought I saw him sitting in there. But my thoughts were this– You left me crying and wouldn’t even take my calls, you don’t deserve me anymore, so I feel out of love, but still see him as a father figure. But the spot where he was sitting is where I was sitting Christmas Eve(just a note). These sitting spots play a role in everything that is happening. Because the setting changed Father Hennen was in church one day before I was going to have a confession with Father Hennen. I hadn’t fallen in love with Father Hennen yet but at that confession I asked Father Hennen is being a priest just a job? Like are there other jobs do you have to be a priest? Because I know priest can’t be married in the Roman Catholic faith, maybe they can I’m still not sure. Any way back to the song and father Perkl who is suppose to be my spiritual father(and I think I’m the only one that knows this at the time) the song says he will be at my side and there when I call, I’m crying because my real father and my spiritual father have not been there for me. And then my mind turned back to I think after that confession sometime around the Assumption of Mary on August 14th I started falling in love with Father Hennen. and in the song it says ” it is my hands that are holding you”. I’m not sure if I’ve voiced this to to many people but in the confession and laying flowers at the feet of Jesus grave I have seen God and my life continues to get holier than holier. In that confession I said I want to be closer to God and to know God better. I want to know Father Hennen better. My heart is so in love with what God has given me thru him.
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