Have you ever thought about adultery and said to yourself, “that will never happen to me?”

According to Dave Carder, when it comes to adultery, the worst thing we could ever think is that we are immune. He says that when we think our marriage is safe from adultery we more at risk than we’ve ever been.

That’s why he’s written his book Anatomy of an Affair: How Affairs, Attractions, and Addictions Develop, and How to Guard Your Marriage Against Them. For couples who have gone through adultery, Dave shares several exercises that can help build trust, feelings of safety, and love. Dave says that these exercises and just as effective for those who just want to guard their marriage.

The first exercise is non-sexual touching.

“Sensate-focused exercises as we call them are very soothing, they provide a sense of safety and security, they calm down breathing, they lower heart rate, they lower blood pressure.”

Unfortunately, Dave says many couples don’t do this.

“Couples get into a bad place where they only touch each other when they want sex and that’s the only time they really touch each other. Even around the kids, they need to see a healthy relationship; they need to that the parents like each other.”

Another exercise is to have each spouse identify eight great emotional experiences shared with their spouse.

“You can’t include your wedding, the birth of your children, or anything that involves your children; it has to just be you and your spouse.”

Dave says that most good marriages will have four to five that match; this is the stuff you do best as a couple. Dave recommends spending time, money, and effort enjoying these shared common emotional experiences as another great way to enjoy and protect your marriage.

For more ideas on how to safeguard your marriage, Dave recommends each couple think back to what they did when they were first dating. This is a great way to fan the flame of love in your marriage relationship.

The anatomy of an affair


Dave Carder currently serves as Pastor responsible for Counseling Ministries at the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton. His main task is the oversight, training and supervision of the extensive lay counseling program of the church.  He supervises a leadership group that has developed The Gift Shop, a spiritual gift-based, computer-matched, volunteer ministry placement service.

Featured Songs: Trust in You – Lauren Daigle; Tell Your Heart to Beat Again – Danny Gokey; Your Love Defends Me – Matt Maher

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